I came to Zumba as the next best thing to a Bollywood dance class.  One of many things I like about big Bollywood wedding scenes is that the atrophied aged bounce to the Bhangra with as much fervor and the muscled youth.  I long to shake my shoulders with the best of them with the side benefit of shrinking my mid-drift to a size worthy of a sari.

My Zumba class, above, contained a nice array of ages and muscle tone.  I feared I was the fattest, but I avoided the mirror and imagined myself as toned as the energetic instructor.  I’m sure Billie thought I was going to die on her when she first saw my beet red face.  I keep away from the other students and close to the water fountain in a further attempt to manage my embarrassment and maximize my workout.

The academic year began this week.  With it arrived a new coterie of comely co-eds, some of whom came to our class.  I’ve always entertained myself by watching the men gawk at some of the attractive and under-supported girls.  One girl’s failure to find a sports bra nearly caused a clutch of would-be indoor runners to fall over the balcony railing as they enjoyed the jiggling below.

While observing such winsome young women’s wiggles, I giggle inwardly that I am a Zoom Bah Humbug, but Monday was the limit.  A young beauty arrived late to plant herself in the front row and in best possible spot to block my view of the instructor.  She made love to herself in the mirror with impassioned expressions and extra gyrations to accompany each routine while I attempted to complete the steps I could no longer see without dislocating a knee.   It sucked the pleasure from the experience.  I felt like a sweaty Simon Cowell in particularly unattractive drag.  I tried and failed to imagine the svelte frame after a few years of pregnancy and nursing takes its toll, but she’ll probably use a surrogate.  Given that she already knew the moves to a higher level of sophistication than the instructor and that she clearly longed for an attentive audience to admire her, I hope she will find a venue better suited to her needs and my own.